February 15, 2014
Dr.v iz
I came to you even though it was hard to do
dare you say it’s different than trust that’s not true
it always happens to me
not for anyone to feel bad it’s just my reality and seems to be my destiny
it’s the truth so I have to live with it for who I am and who I shall be
my belief was not just you would give me meds
it was the words you would help me that’s what you said
I must fuss when you say this is not about trust
it is for me when the first person I lost was when I was three
family comes first I respect for what you need to do, and that will always be true
I thank you for being around when I was lost nowhere to be found
I am sorry, but it seems to me I’m a slave for how I behave                                                                                                                                             please believe I wish you the best
for the rest of your career
most of all year after year to be happy
you and your family
If you started your practice again
I dislike the need to pretend
I would only be happy for a minute or two
I wouldn’t know what to do
by that time I would be attached, locked like a latch
to someone else and it never works on who I like the most.
You already know I don’t do very well with change and things being rearranged
with a new doctor if I settled and was just ok, then if you returned I would be there right away
the change still would not be easy, and you being busy
so my offer would defiantly remain so you would have less strain.
I wouldn’t want you spreading yourself thin as you said today
I hope you would consider and say
I could help with office work in any way
you have time to think about it
and don’t be worried not one little bit
no need to think that at work I would have a fit
I can be professional and I did succeed
all I need if something went wrong
is wait to go home I always worked hard to be strong
if I was comfortable with my new doctor
I most likely would not leave
though I would still want to help you, this you can believe
there is no other reason except this is what I like to do
help anyone I can that’s because who I am
it’s a pleasure to make people happy
except when they take advantage of me
unfortunately I can’t see what will be
I continue to help whenever someone is in need
with each smile I can push for one mile
for me this fills my  emotional tank
I have to say sorry
I know for myself nothing comes before family
I am not hurt, upset or angry at you
I except everything cause that’s what I am supposed to do
though I feel disoriented, and I haven’t got a clue
yes I want to curl up in a ball
but I don’t enjoy it at all
it is to hold myself tight
because there is a fight
that you can’t see in my belly
I like to rock
some is controlled some is not
all I know is what I have to show
one more person who is willing to go
to join the collection of so many people from my past
who would make some commitment, but would never last
this does not include the three men I was married too
each who tore me apart after I gave them my heart
they all started to change right from the start
one by one they each used me
It never came to my brain to see
each divorce was devastating to a large degree
because it was completely complicated to comprehend
how someone can be so close and lie to only pretend
plus how stupid that I could make the same mistake
and not realize how these men were so fake
well once again I lose a friend
l know you’re really not
but therapy is all I got
it’s the place I feel safe
this is what I depend on and soon you too will be gone
that is why I say friend
once again knowing someone is coming to an end
even with a promise to help me
don’t get me wrong I know this is for your family
I don’t hate you I hate me  (I never use the word hate, I try not to, it is a not nice word (not using the word bad they both carry to strong of a meaning.)
I wish I can understand and process completely
all I know It hurts so deeply
not just you but the whole concept I just don’t get
do other people loss so many
is this normal or am I being petty
is it normal for emotions to lack and it should just roll off our back
I want to stop so I can send
I am stuck
I have always tried to give a f__k  (sorry for bad word),
my biggest fear, is to be locked away left somewhere
I have so many cracks, when will I brake for heaven sake
I can’t take it anymore, I felt safe walking through your door
to start over again is so hard, I can’t explain
except it causes so much pain
the time we spent was very pleasant
I felt that you did care, and to be positive thank God we weren’t going on our tenth year
that is how I am always ok I joke everything away
have a nice life, bad minutes don’t make a bad day
the underline words are not mine
though remember me by those words I say
just in case our paths don’t cross sometime along the way
I still have to continue, I am such a fool
I’m done I’m done l’m done
do you think this is any fun
your walking away, am so upset
I just want to go to bed and forget
l want to beg like I did with dr. calev
it’s not that I don’t have pride
cause I do, but I like you
it’s so hard for me to match
my character will mostly clash
anyway none of this ever mattered
after 46 years my heart and mind is still scattered
so who do I need anyway
why do I have to stay
when can I run away not just for a day
because I choose this delay
I was trained fall down seven times get up eight
I will finally end this letter because it’s getting late
the anxiety is still in my throat
I feel I am about to choke
I hate that your leaving, once again I will be grieving
I just can’t stop
you have no idea it is not fear
it is making it final but I know I will see you in a while
I can’t keep my eyes open
and tomorrow I will find ways to keep coping
I am only hoping to be able to go to bed and have a night that I will not dread
I’m still going the words won’t stop flowing
I want to sleep at this point and even weep
It hurts,  someone has to pull me away
ok  I am going to go there is always another day etc.

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